Creating a Safe Space at Home
In fact, I would even venture to say that I was borderline a "mean" mom up until a couple of months ago!
No joke, my friends. No joke!
My days were filled with berating, scolding, punishing, and even yelling.
That was pretty much how I mom'd.
I was relying on tradition and figuring it out as I went, and winging it.
All it brought me was basically a terrible relationship with my child.
I say terrible now, because looking back, it's pretty painful to compare what we had before to what we have now- which is down right beautiful.
I had your typical toddler!
You know, the kind that is constantly getting into mischief, and fighting to have her way?
My child was the epitome of defiant.
I have to say that after learning what I have learned, and applying it as best I possibly could, we no longer have that problem.
If we do, it's very situational and occasional.
Or maybe...just maybe....my focus has simply changed, and therefore so has my attitude.
I don't know. But I'm telling you. My life is pretty freaking great 95% of the time.
Maybe even more than that.
So here's what it comes down to:
Creating a safe space for your children to call home.
And this technique can be applied to multiple scenarios and relationships.
Constant berating, scolding, punishment, and yelling sends the message to your children that home is not safe.
That, or that they aren't safe in your presence.
And by "safe" I mean happy, peaceful, and comfortable.
You know, what a home SHOULD be.
"Your children's feet will speak to you more than their words"
Are they running from you?
Are they hiding from you?
Are they seeking safety from someone else or a space that is separate from you?
I once saw a father spank his child.
It wasn't your typical spanking scenario.
The father actually calmly explained to the child, what they did that warranted a spanking, and the child actually willingly turned around for the father to pat their bum.
I kid you not. That's what happened.
I bet you couldn't guess what happened next?
After receiving a little spank, the child immediately turned and fell into their father's chest and hugged him.
Yes. That actually happened.
In front of my own eye balls.
I'm not going to lie...I don't believe in spanking my kids.
But heck, if spanking is going to happen in my home, I should hope that's how it goes down!
The child did not flee from their father and seek safety from their mother, or a corner away from their "mean" and "scary" dad.
No. This child knew that they were "safe" with dad.
This child understood and consented to the consequences of their actions.
It was really quite remarkable!
I share that story because it helped me see the extent of what "safety" could mean.
To me, it means no physical "punishments", in addition to other things.
But to this parent it means something different. And the child still felt safe with him!
"Safety" will mean something different in each home.
However the concepts are all the same.
Is your child running TO you, and not AWAY?
Is your child both comfortable in and comforted by your presence?
Is your child HAPPY most of the time, if not always?
Listen to your children's feet.
Ideas for creating a "safe" space at home:
Listen to calming music on a low volume
Speak in calm tones
Never yell unless there is a safety hazard
Smile often. Very often.
Offer "positive reinforcements" pretty much constantly. For example: "Thank you for helping with that" or "That's so nice of you to share"
Use positive language in your communication. Instead of saying, "Don't play with that" say, "Hey come look at THIS!"
Maintain a positive countenance always. Even when your child annoys you or angers you.(this one I'm currently struggling with the most)
Schedule one on one bonding time
Always validate your child's emotions. Always.
Allow your child to express themselves
Have loving, comforting, physical contact often. ESPECIALLY when your child is acting out.
Spend as little time berating as possible. Make your comments short, sweet, and to the point. "We don't hit people." And leave it at that.
Get at eye level, or below, whenever in discipline mode
Use wholesome humor to change the mood
Start every day with fervent prayer and/or positive affirmations
Be consistent
You may take away or add to this list whatever you feel fits for your own homes!
I just know from my own experience that by applying the above techniques, my home has become a safe space.
My child is happy. I am happy.
My child is 100% more obedient.
We have the occasional "beast mode" and temper tantrum and threenager moments, but my child's feet run toward me.
We share a very deep love and bond that is oh, so very special.
Parenting is no longer so hard.
Motherhood is far more enjoyable than it ever was before.
It can be for you too!
