How To FIGHT With Your Spouse

When my husband and I first got married, we had no idea how to fight.

Believe it or not, this is a completely necessary skill in marriage!

Ya just gotta know how to battle it out appropriately without causing damage to your relationship!

Marriage is intended to last your whole life.

This is your number one priority.

This relationship is THE MOST important thing that you have for the rest of your life.

If you want it to be special and happy, then it needs to be treated with the utmost respect and care.

So here's what I have learned so far about how to fight with my spouse...

I know that we will continue to improve, and I will likely update this post in the years to come...

Let's take the most common example.

Your spouse has a habit that hurts your feelings.

You have been sucking it up and keeping your pain to yourself for who knows how long.

This is the last straw and you cannot take it anymore!

1. Make sure that you are in an appropriate setting.

That means that you two are alone, not in public or in front of the kids.

***WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE NO LONGER EMOTIONAL OR UPSET***

You sit down with your spouse and say "We need to talk"

2. Do EVERYTHING in your power to keep from using the word "you"

Instead of saying, "You always do/say ______ and it hurts my feelings."

Say, "It really hurts my feelings when __________ happens (or) when _______ is done/said."

3. Allow your spouse to explain themselves, and then show empathy.

"I am sure you never meant to hurt me by doing/saying those things. I never let on that it bothered me until now. I just needed you to know that it hurts me."

Maybe even add a little "I love you" somewhere in there too.

4. WHATEVER you do, DO NOT lose your cool!

Say your spouse gets extremely defensive, and impatient and starts throwing things in your face.

Remain calm. Do NOT get emotional.

Just allow your spouse to go off and then simply repeat what you said in an equally calm voice as you had before.

5. When appropriate, compromise

COMPROMISE. COMPROMISE. COMPROMISE.

This is the only way to make it, folks!

You both gotta give a little to move forward sometimes.

So come up with a plan that you both feel good about.

Repeat the above steps as many times as it takes until you and your spouse have reached a solid, healthy conclusion.

With practice, these "fights" should end with hugs, kisses and "I'm sorry" and "I love you".

Now say your spouse approaches YOU about a habit that YOU have that hurts THEM.

1. Listen. Listen. Listen.

Bite your tongue. Bite your bottom lip.

Do whatever you have to do to remain quiet until they are done speaking.

NEVER interrupt.

2. Say you are sorry FIRST.

First offer an apology. Even if it's just "I'm sorry you feel that way."

If you absolutely HAVE to defend yourself, do so gently- always communicating empathy to your partner.

"I never meant to hurt your feelings...." Then explain away.

Then end your explanation with "I am sorry for hurting you."

3. Whatever you do, DO NOT add to the fire!

This is NOT the time to start telling your spouse all of the things that they do that bothers you in order to get the pressure off of yourself.

This is manipulative and abusive behavior.

Bite your tongue, and take deep breaths.

4. Apologize again and say "I love you"

After you have reached a conclusion or a fair compromise, offer one last apology, express your love, and hug and kiss.

5. If it seems appropriate at this point, go ahead and open up about something that hurts you.

Now that you have made up about the hurt you have caused your spouse, and you are not feeling emotional- then go ahead and say, "Hey, while we are on the subject, and in a good place, can I communicate with you something that hurts me?"

This may not work so well with your spouse. 

Maybe wait until the next day to bring anything up.

"I felt like our discussion last night went really well. Can we take a minute to talk about something that hurts me?"

And there you have it folks!

Fighting 101.

Give this structure a try, and see how it works for you!

And remember, results take T-I-M-E!

Your fights may not be so pretty at first, but with time they will improve!