Solution Oriented Thinking
Last night we went fishing for family night.
It was all fun and games until Milani started to get bored and wander...
She was getting into Rene's tackle box, she was running toward the street,
she was reaching for fishing hooks, etc. etc. etc.
Needless to say, she got sick of hearing "No".
And I don't blame her.
It's not fair for a little one with so much energy and curiosity to be put in situations
where she is constantly berated- for acting perfectly appropriately for her age!
Not cool, mom. Not cool.
Beast surfaced last night.
It was pretty ugly.
(If you don't get my beast reference, click here)
It was completely my own fault and I see that.
I was feeling pretty awful last night.
Not only did Milani have to deal with a major emotional breakdown because I
didn't come prepared or have the right attitude to attend to her needs, but
my husband didn't handle her in a way that pleased me.
I didn't get mad at him.
It didn't cause a fight.
I didn't punish Milani for her insane outburst.
I had nobody to blame but myself.
And self blame, I DID!
Ready for a double whammy???
This morning Milani fought me on going to gymnastics. AGAIN!
This is probably the third week in a row.
Long story short, I took a step back and thought hard about why she would
change her once enthusiastic attitude towards gymnastics- to down right resentful.
Are you ready for it???
My fault. Again.
I realized that gymnastics was no longer fun for my daughter because of ME!!!!
When we first signed up, it was pure magic!
She would light up like the sun! She would talk about it constantly!
She would even approach strangers at the park and tell them about gymnastics!
Guys. I have never seen the child more passionate about anything ever.
And I destroyed that.
By constantly berating her while we were in class!
"Milani sit down."
"Milani listen to me"
"Milani get over here right now"
"Do you need to go to time out?"
"Do we need to go home?"
You get the point.
Can you say MOM FAIL!?!?!?!?!?!?
I may have cried a little bit when I realized that I had taken something so precious to her,
and utterly destroyed it.
It wasn't hard for me to spend a few hours this morning just completely beating myself up.
I called my mom and vented about how crappy of a person I am for doing this tragic thing to my innocent, perfect child.
It was a hard morning for mama.
But then I remembered something that I learned from my last parenting book!
Something about being "solution oriented thinking"
That when we fail- which we DO, instead of focusing on the failure, and how we failed, and how terrible we are, and beating ourselves up for days and days and days...
We BRIEFLY acknowledge our failure or shortcomings, and immediately think of a solution.
The solution could be as simple as, "next time, I won't do it that way."
So after hours of self hate, I pulled myself together and said,
"Elise, you are a great mom. In this you failed. And now you know what you did wrong. Next time you go to gymnastics (if I can get her to go again) you will wear the biggest, brightest smile on your face, and you will make her laugh and smile and have the time of her life! Because that's what gymnastics was before. And that's what gymnastics will be again."
Mamas, we are quick to self hate. And it can be down right abusive.
Stop the self hate as soon as you can!
Quickly, and briefly acknowledge your failure or short coming, and then immediately think of a solution.
It's that simple.
You are a good mom.