Building Confidence Through Affection

My child has all the confidence in the world.

She will approach just about anybody and strike up a conversation.

She asks to talk in microphones in front of crowds all the time. Especially at church.

She doesn't hesitate to take on the role of "the leader" in social situations.

Whenever we tell her "you are beautiful" she says "yes I am."

She doesn't fear entering a room full of strangers and making new friends.

She doesn't cling to me constantly wherever we go.

I was told by a family therapist that my child clearly has a "secure attachment" to me.

I can't say scientifically why that is.

I am not a scientist.

I am not a professional psychologist, although I would consider my knowledge on the subject pretty good due to college courses and independent study.

But here's what I do know...

I was a serious crier as a kid.

I would follow my mom around, cling to her clothes or legs and just cry and cry and cry.

My mom, having several other children to take care of all on her own while my father was either busy with work and school, or living in a different state- and not knowing what else to do with me, she resolved to simply ignore me.

I don't blame the woman. I mean, I cried constantly. Or so I have been told....

Did her ignoring me fix the issue?

Absolutely not.

In fact, I think I only cried MORE in order to communicate just how desperate I was for her undivided attention!

I remember being ignored.

Then again, I cried until I was like 12.

Yep. 12 loooonnnngggg years I cried for my moms attention.

T-W-E-L-V-E

I suffered from a VERY insecure attachment to my mother.

Consequently, I have had pretty much nothing but insecure attachments to the rest of humanity and every single relationship that I have ever been in.

Was my mom a bad mom? No. She was doing the best that she could.

Maybe you can relate to my mom!

Maybe you have a spouse that works out of town and you have five kids to attend to all on your own!

I salute you, sister friend. I salute you.

When my daughter cries, I pretty much drop whatever I am doing or handling INSTANTLY to console her.

I don't care if I think she is being overly dramatic...if that's the case, then I will give her comfort, and then quickly get her to laugh about it.

I make it a point to make sure that she knows that her feelings are very important to me.

I do my very, VERRRYYY best to validate every single emotion that she experiences.

"Oh did you stub your toe?!?!? Oh does it hurt? I'm sorry that it hurts. Here, let me kiss it better." Then I hug her and rock her until she is ready to move on.

I don't usually put her down first. I let her initiate the "moving on" sequence on her own.

I can tell when my daughter is crying for my attention.

I can tell because I know very well when I am neglecting her.

And I know that she is in the right for demanding my immediate attention.

Because that's my job. To be present. And to make her feel important and loved.

I can only testify by my own experience, that by taking that extra time to drop the dishes for a few minutes, or pause writing an email or text or social media post, or whatever- just to be there emotionally for my child has paid off BIG TIME!

My child is incredibly secure in being independent and it makes my life a loooottttt easier than if I chose to push her aside emotionally in order to get other things done that can wait.

I read in one of my parenting books (written by Dr's by the way) that it is IMPOSSIBLE to "spoil" a child with love and affection.

And that contrary to popular belief, love and affection are just what a child needs to build their confidence!!!!

I have heard it said that allowing your child to "cry it out" helps build emotional strength, or confidence.

I can only say by my own personal experience, and being that child that was forced to "cry it out" for 12 years... that could not be more opposite than the truth.

At least that is how it was for me.

So give it a try!
If you have a child who is currently exuberating an insecure attachment, try building their confidence through affection!
Both physical, and verbal.
And remember to always be offering positive reinforcements! Always!!!