Motivating Our Children Not With Fear

I think most of my generation can relate to being raised with "fear" and "intimidation" as primary motivators from our parents.

I'm not saying our parents were terrible. It was just a generational commonality.

By a raise of hands, those of you raised with "fear" and "intimidation" as primary motivators- how many of you were pretty bad liars to your parents?

***raises BOTH hands***

That would be a big fat yes and yes for me!

I remember my little brother and I playing with the chicks in the back yard when I heard him lose his temper on the little creature.

I turned around just in time to see him stomp on the innocent little thing.

I told him he was going to h-e-double hockey sticks for being a murderer and then I ran to get mommy so that she could inflict the severest of all punishments upon my wicked, wicked brother.

When we got back outside, all he could say is "I didn't do it!" and "It's not under the bush!"

It has since become a family inside joke for us to say "It's not under the bush!"

Poor baby chick. May he rest in peace....

On the other hand, my daughter has a reputation for being totally and completely honest.

"Did you hit your cousin?"

"Yes I did."

"Why did you hit your cousin?"

"Because I don't want him."

That was an actual conversation that I had with her.

The child doesn't lie to me.

And I believe that there is a reason for that.

I do not use fear and intimidation to raise or discipline my child.

And I don't go ape shiz every time that she makes a mistake.

I am perfectly aware that kids hit.

They just do.

If they don't hit, then they pinch.

If they don't pinch, then they bite.

If they don't bite, then they kick.

You see the pattern here?

I do not by any means expect my child to learn how to navigate her anger appropriately at this stage in her development.

I am patient with her when she makes mistakes, and I believe in second chances.

After our above conversation, I will typically say something like this, "Milani, we don't hit. It's not a nice thing to do. We want to be gentle and nice to the people that we love. If you hit one more time, you will have to go to time out."

Then I will have her give her cousin a hug and say sorry.

I don't know about you, but I want to have a trusting and honest relationship with my kids when they become adolescents.

My biggest fear in the universe is having my daughter lie to me about everything when she becomes a teenager.

Why is this a fear of mine?

Because I did that to my parents.

Why did I lie so much to my parents?

Because I was fearful and intimidated.

Are teenagers going to lie regardless?

Probably sometimes, yes.

But if we want to have a loving bond, and TRUST within our relationships, I believe that it starts with us as parents!

Are we approachable?

Are we fostering confidence in our little ones?

Are we practicing emotional control when they make mistakes?

It is not necessary to get angry and loud and intimidating when our kids mess up.

It just isn't.

Discipline CAN be done in a loving and gentle manner.

And get this- it's still effective.

Some, myself included, would argue that it is MORE effective!

Don't believe me?

Give it a try!

And as always, give it plenty of time before you expect to see results!

Check out my book shelf for some good reading!