I Don't Feel Like A Good Mom

I gotta be honest with you...I don't feel like I'm a "good mom".

Why do you think I work so dang hard at it???

Parenting doesn't come naturally to me.

The unconditional love part does...but the actual being a parent and teaching and disciplining?

Not so much.

I see all these other moms involving themselves in their children's lives, planning such fun activities, educating them, doing fun stuff with them, etc.

And half the time I feel like I've succeeded at parenting if I have made it through the day without raising my voice, or sending my kid to time out.

I know the comparison game is toxic and awful and I'm usually pretty good at staying away from it, but momming is a whole new territory.

I guess it's such a sensitive thing for me because I don't feel like I'm a natural at it.

I LOVE being a mom SO much.

I would never ever ever trade it up for ANYTHING.

And I have never worked so dang hard at anything ever.

I have never put my whole heart and soul into anything like this before.

I have never been so very careful and attentive about anything before.

Does that make me a "good mom"?

Will the fact that "my heart is in the right place" make up for my short comings?

Will my children grow up some day and have to experience all of the effects of how I failed them in certain ways, but be able to look passed it because of how fiercely and openly I loved them?

I sure hope so.

The truth is, I have no idea what it takes to be a "good mom".

I live just about every day in fear of how I might be scarring or hurting my kids.

"I didn't pick Malachi up soon enough and he cried for too long. He is going to detach and resent me FOREVER!"

"I fought with Milani a lot today. She is never going to look up to me again."

Motherhood terrifies me more than anything else I have ever experienced.

And sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me and I can be too critical of myself.

My only prayer is that my Father in Heaven sees where I fall short, and that He makes up for it in some other way...

It is my greatest hope and prayer that my children learn to forgive me daily and see how hard I am busting my butt to be the best for them.

And more than anything. I desire for them to never ever doubt just how much I love them. To never ever question their worth in my eyes.

And to know that I value them, and their well being, above anything else in this world.

Does that make me a "good mom"?

I hope so.